French onion soup is a classic member of the French cuisine family, but its optimal cheese topping is a topic of intense debate. There is no question as to if there should be cheese or not, but rather what cheese there should be. Some would argue that Gruyère is the most preferable cheese to use, but the truth of the matter is that there are plenty of superior alternatives. In particular, Comté stands above the rest as the superior French onion soup cheese. Why is this? In this brief piece on cheeses, we will analyze the pros and cons of each to decide which candidate is most belonging on the classic French dish.

Let’s start with some characteristics of each. Gruyère is described as having a “compact” texture with a fat content of ~43%. It is a hard-class cheese. This means that it’s thick and something like a brick of solid bacteria and expired milk, which is pretty good as far as cheese is concerned. It also has a “fruity”, “nutty”, and “earthy” flavor profile. However, Comté possesses similar and arguably superior qualities. With a “firm” and “grainy” texture, Comté offers the mouth more to explore, like a deeply panicked insect which has found its way into the living room of a disorganized plastic model enthusiast. (Rest in peace, Harold; you will be missed.) In addition, its semi-hard nature make it more accessible to the general public. If you’re physically unable to grate a hard cheese, then just break it over your soup with your hands. It’s so easy! Plus, if your soup grows slightly colder than when it was fresh, Comté will retain its elasticity for longer, probably. Finally, its average fat content of 45% and “smokey” taste in addition to “fruity”, “nutty”, and “earthy” make it a stronger, richer cheese. Basically, Comté is the thinking man’s cheese, offering more to taste and a more vibrant mouthfeel compared to Gruyère.

There’s also the question of bloodline. The one with the true right to a nation’s throne is the one which has blood ties to its people. French onion soup is (obviously) a French dish. It was born and raised in France and that is where it shall meet its inevitable demise at the hands of the Spaniards. Now, consider Gruyère. It is not French. In fact, it is an impostor sent to us by the Swiss! Indeed, it is an act of international espionage to infest the world of French cuisine—filled with its duck gizzards and gastropod obsessions—with this shabby cheese from a tiny country that is only known for its spinelessness on the global stage. Think of the children! How do you think this is affecting them? They are not raised on true, pure French cuisine and as such will grow up ignorant to the truths of the western European cooking scene. In fact, France’s entire economy would be improved through ousting this impostor and replacing it with the true crown prince of French onion soup, Comté. Pure, blonde French aura emanates from every morsel of its crumbly majesty. Eradicating the unclean Gruyère menace would solve every single problem in France ever, instantly. All of the money used to purchase this Swiss menace is drained from the pockets of France’s hardworking and used to feed the mouths of the Swiss bourgeois, whose pockets are lined with Nazi gold! In fact, the French GDP would increase by 900% by accepting the master cheese, Comté, in all of its French glory. Make no mistake, the obvious solution to the Gruyère problem is complete and total destruction. We must seek out every last traitorous wheel of Gruyère and see to its removal from French soil. Hear me and take to the streets! Raze buildings, throw Gruyère wheels off bridges. Stop at nothing to see that we completely and utterly cleanse this land. Anyone who refuses to comply and harbor Gruyère in his home shall have the rest of his cheeses eradicated along with it. It is our duty as a people to, through any means necessary, protect France from her Gruyère ravagers! This is how we shall instigate our revolution to completely and wholly reclaim France for the French, starting with the cheese on our soups!

In conclusion, while Gruyère and Comté share similarities in certain characteristics, such as color and aroma, Comté is a more deeply developed cheese. It harbors a wider range of flavors within its paste, boasts a generally higher fat content for increased richness in taste, and offers slightly a softer texture. In addition, its French origin suits its usage in French soups. With that being said, please consider using Comté in your next French onion soup to add greater depth to your soup consumption experience.