Consistency is mankind’s mark upon the world.  Nature is an unpredictable mistress, often succumbing to the radical winds of change.  However, man and his two hands have bridled nature, making consistent the inconsistent, taming the untamed, and curdling the uncurdled.

The creation of the French onion soup marked a turning point in the history of man; so momentous an occasion that it birthed such famous proverbs such as “It’s the best thing since French onion soup” and “It’s as easy as French onion soup”.  The day of its inception meant that mankind and society had finally reached a level of refinement and civilization that mere generations earlier would not have thought possible. Of course, under the modern bliss that was bestowed upon us with the creation of French onion soup, it might seem absurd to claim that we were without civilization before its invention.  I must concede that this is true, for we did not only lack civilization but also loathed it. We were backwards, ruffians, barbarians without morals. What is French onion soup if it is not a map of civilization? Should we apply a Marxist critical lens, we should see that the melted cheese on top is naught but the cooperation of the bourgeois, and below in the darkness lies the caramelized onions, trapped and unable to reap the profits of their labor.  If we apply a racial overtone, we can see the unfortunate history of the pure white cheese lounging at the top, while the darker crouton below is robbed of any rights by the cheese. French onion soup has even given us the scientific method, with the unorganized mass of broth below that, when examined and analyzed, allows us to reach the beautiful integration of all scientific facts in the melted cheese.

Therefore, any change to French onion soup would be a move towards the destruction of society.  Mankind has taken the lawless and wild raw ingredients that nature has given to us and has refined them, making them into the four constants of French onion soup: the rich beef broth, the firm crouton, the succulent caramelized onions, and the smooth layer of Gruyère cheese.

Gruyère cheese is the key constant, as it holds all the rest of the soup– and society– together.  To modify the cheese in the slightest is the greatest affront to all the efforts of mankind to produce soup and civilization.  Yet the great hosts of error have come to field to debate such facts, to tear down the unequivocal notion that the necessary ingredient is not simply any cheese, but the proud and noble Gruyère cheese.  Other cheeses have been recommended as a replacement, such as Comté. However, there are 83 flavors of Comté cheese. There can not be 83 variations of a cheese that is symbolic of society’s unity. Are there also to be 83 different moral compasses; some saying not to kill, and some saying to slaughter everything, and some in between?  Other cheeses, especially Comté, would result in none other than the complete collapse of society into bloody anarchy and a consequent collapse of all morals. However, there is only one Gruyère cheese, making it a proud symbol and model of the unity of society. There would be no conflicts between flavors because there is only one flavor, and a smooth one at that.  Furthermore, Comté cheese has been rated as one of the world’s “finest cheeses”. A “fine” and elitist cheese is not a cheese to represent society. We do not champion fierce and haughty elitism that represents only the few. Gruyère is a cheese that represents the average member of society, as it is a cheese of humble origins with a rough rind to show the dedicated and industrious nature of everyday people, while having a creamy and gentle inside to show the humility and virtue of all the members of society.

In short, if we condone or permit the application of Comté cheese to French onion soup then we render all the morals of society moribund.  Gruyère cheese is the perfect binding element and model for societal perfection because of its very nature. If we are to change such a cornerstone of civilization like the cheese of our beloved and glorious French onion soup, then we might as well surrender ourselves to barbarism now in order to prepare to the subsequent collapse of all things civilized and holy.