Vladimir Putin eats Russian Constitution, approval rating skyrockets to 105%

Photo Credit: Alex Kantor

Photo Credit: Alex Kantor


William Doyle, 1554828948:8

The Port Press has just received shattering news that Vladimir Putin has eaten the Russian Constitution today in an address to the State Duma.

He was reportedly giving a speech to the Duma on the constitutionality of eating Petro Poroshenko, current President of Ukraine, to absorb his power as leader of the Ukrainian people.  This session of the lower house started with the customary Hajj to the Kremlin and morning worship of God-President Putin before returning to the debate hall to get to work.

United Russia, starting the debate, politely deferred their judgement to Putin, who suggested that he would travel alone in a heroic adventure to Ukraine and would challenge Poroshenko to single combat.  After defeating him, Putin explained, he would cannibalize Poroshenko to absorb his power as President of Ukraine and thereby solve the poor political climate between the two nations.

Immediately after his speech, Gennady Zyuganov, leader of the CPRF and main opposition voice to Vladimir Putin, formally interrupted by throwing his shoe at the President.  He managed to yell out something that roughly translated to “Why don’t you eat our laws and Constitution while you’re at it, you gluttonous pig!” before being promptly silenced by federal security forces.  I reached out to him for a comment after the debate, but I was informed by the proper authorities that Gennady Zyuganov does not exist and has never existed.

Photo Credit: Nathaniel Wang

Upon hearing this, President Putin smugly responded “Я не говорю по-русски, пожалуйста, помогите,” while the whole room clapped.  He then called a brief adjournment.

After no more than five minutes, he returned to the podium at the head of the debate hall with eating utensils and a gilded plate.  He motioned to one of the members of his United Russia party, who approached him with the original 1993 Constitution of the Russian Federation, before bowing and placing it in Putin’s outstretched hands. Clearly holding it up for all the assembly to see, President Putin placed it on his plate,cut into it with his knife.     He dabbed at the corners of his mouth with a napkin and let out a deep belch before announcing to the audience that, “It’s quite alright, although a little bland.  I recommend we spice it up a bit. Besides, we weren’t using it anyway”.

After that, a brief vote was held in which Putin would be permitted to venture to the southern badlands of Ukraine to complete his quest.

I reached out to Mr. Putin afterwards, but his press team said that he was busy preparing for his “Slavic smackdown” with Poroshenko.  No word from Poroshenko, although our sources suspect that might be because he is currently en route to his newly-purchased home in Geneva, and will be staying there indefinitely.